Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.