not for long
You Might Also Like
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.