“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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What personal space?
My dog
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Tier 3 meme