How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.