In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Namaste
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon