I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.