Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You Might Also Like
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Banking tips
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some