Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.