Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The French word for sex is croissant.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i wish we could shoplift online
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*