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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
#Caturday
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?