My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.