Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
You Might Also Like
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES: