*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: