Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.