Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
They’re stuck in your pants?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
This is enough internet for the day.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)