11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.