I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.