The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
you stereotypes are all alike
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Saw online –
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
dogs can find happiness so easily
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream