Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Watson was Holmes schooled
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Finally, an explanation.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*