interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road