4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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sounds kinky. i’m in.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.