If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂