[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You Might Also Like
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many