Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.