Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You Might Also Like
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]