They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?