i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait