handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Favourite diary entry ever
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Today’s Times
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.