friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.