There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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peak technology
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it