The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years