My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
181.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you