“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?