I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Love it! 👍😂
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.