I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”