My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Travel bloggers during quarantine
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham