At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan