I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..