Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
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Free him
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.