how to have fun when you’re poor
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.