You Might Also Like
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.