FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My good tweets are in my other pants.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching