My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Happy thanksgiving
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.