[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
me when the borders lift
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.