Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
much to think about
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.