Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Found the job I’m suited for
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.