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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Oh my God.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.