My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
oh shit
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*updates tinder bio*