I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner