Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I need this for my side hustle.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o